Deep.

I'm not a titan, a brick wall, an empty shell iron clad and hollowed by the cold suffocating dark that is the real world. That is how I present myself. That is how I exist within my poetry, and through my interactions with other people, but alone in my room - the constant drudgery of Black Sabbath inspired doom and the false sense of euphoria dissolving in my cup - the reality hits me hard. I am a human being.

I've been thinking a lot about Anke, and the things I did and shared with her. I dated her for almost a year, but if someone were to ask me what it was like I wouldn't know what to say. I could convince myself that nothing ever really happened, that I didn't feel anything, and it's so hard to believe we broke up only two months ago. I feel so fucking disconnected from everything, from everyone, like I'm just some ghost temporarilly clinging to flesh.

I'm growing older, closer to dying, and wonder what I did with my time. I've become my own greatest critic and the judge of my own experiences. I had hoped that the "fuck the system, fuck the world" attitude I had carried with me into my early twenties would have aged at least well into my thirties, but as I'm growing and learning rapidly - struggling to catch up with the years I've lost, I'm learning just how much I wasted. I could've done more, and reached for bigger and better dreams, but I chose roads for fuck all reasons that I can't even comprehend anymore.

Who am I? Are my stories valid? Have I lived an exciting youth? Will I ever accept that I am going to be 23 and a half next month, yet living the life of a 19 or 20 year old? I don't know. I'm trying, but I need to try harder. I need to turn this train around quickly. I need to become the young man that I saw in my dreams five years ago. I'm a good student, but I need to be better. I'm a good person, but I need to accomplish more. There's an entire fucking world out there - I'll be damned if I don't spend my youth seeing and doing all of it.

/Nicholas

Now playing: Pentagram - Be Forewarned



God damn... This picture is so old. What happened to me?

Deicide/Vital Remains tonight... Why?

Yes, it appears as though I have more money than is acceptable for my own good. Some people would call this 'spending' money, and they would give away their most valued possessions so that they might have it. Yet here I am - perhaps making a ridiculous choice so of attending a metal show in Providence tonight for no other reason than because I can.

It isn't that I dislike Vital Remains or Deicide. On the contrary, I am perhaps a bit indifferent to both bands, but at least the activity of being out and amongst friends for something other than drunken wankery is presenting itself. I'd also like to pride myself on maintaining this illusionary image that I support my local "scene", and yes even to one such as myself those "scene" points go quite a long way...

- Nicholas

Now playing: FEAR - "I Love Living In The City"

PS: Mark did want to go to the movies with me tonight. Oh well. Death metal beats Underworld: Rise of the Lycans by 7 pts. In overtime. Tomorrow? Not certain. /sigh

"What a fucking whore. Leave me alone."

Indeed I did end up going to the city last night, and my do I have a story to tell you. It just so happens that some asshole tried to steal my Municipal Waste t-shirt. Who is this fucking guy? A communist, terrorist, villain! Well, I'll tell you that I did get my Municipal Waste t-shirt back, and that guy is an asshole. Who takes a t-shirt? Seriously.

Yes, my bitterness is unconquerable. Why do women hit on me despite the fact that I take great lengths to appear unattractive? That same girl who is obsessed with me tried to catch me again; this time she sent her male friend after me, and tugged twice on my belt to catch my attention. She even waved at me. Well, I'll tell you that I don't fucking care if you dig me or think I am sexy. I clearly am not interested in some short chub. When will they learn this? I hate you. You look stupid, fat, and you're probably like eighteen or something. Stop listening to shitty music and go find some soul. Fuck you.

New list:

- If you don't read, I don't like you.
- If you don't like Bathory, I don't like you.
- If you're fat, I don't like you.
- If you don't have stellar shades, I don't like you.

More to come in my next entry. Now I must go write a thesis paper.

//Nicholas

Now playing: Eddie Money - Take Me Home Tonight

Yes, that's a good slave.

It's true. Having accomplished myself as a stalker and now developing a legitimate rapport, I have crossed over and decided to make one of these too in order to establish communication with more like minded individuals (yeah right.): http://myanimelist.net/profile/nukethecross

It's a possibility that I might actually stumble upon some unheard of cyberpunk, but my fingers are not crossed in this instance.

Tonight is Friday and I have not done anything today but clean. I even managed somehow to miss my dentist appointment, which I went out of my way to remind myself of with a mark on the calender. This is pathetic. I have been invited to join some friends for a party in the city, but I'm still unsure about my feelings on this since I am kind of getting bored of the same ugly faces and people who simply do not interest me at all. The last time I went out, some girl kept looking at me as if I were her saving grace for the evening, like I was the one to remedy whatever it was she went there for. What a fucking whore. Leave me alone.

Today's anthem (Yes, my creativity is dimming.): The Haunted - Soul Fracture

//Ridiculous Nicholas

PS: I want to eat chocolate chip cookies so bad right now.
PSS: Does the room need more posters?

I'm too healthy; apparently.

Having signed up to give blood Tuesday for two-o-clock after my English class (which lets out at around 1:50), I hurried quickly over to the blood van to donate a pint of my most vital fluids. When I sat down, I was immediately asked if I had eaten anything prior to my arrival. I explained to the doctor that I was in class, and hadn't had the opportunity to eat since nine-o-clock in the morning shortly before school. He grimaced and took my blood pressure and my heart rate. Apparently my heart rate was below the recommended bpm of 50. When I asked if I had anything to worry about, he asked me if I was athletic, and following the question I explained that I walk almost everywhere I need to go and I have been hitting the gym lately.

"That'll do it," he said.

Rent is due today. I'm not sure how I am going to manage the next few months with hardly any income, but of course I have always been one to find a way, and I have quite a savings. I'm sure after this month if I still have over 900 bucks saved up, I'll feel comfortable.

Now playing: Nothing. Stuck in the library. :(

- Nihilist

PS 1: Three day weekend coming up. Probably going to play Lazertag with James, and hopefully hang out with him and/or Connor during the weekend. It's been a while since my last visit to the woods.

PS 2: I need to hit up the comic shop. I am so far behind right now.

PS 3: Some strange woman pet my head for fifteen minutes today. I must have beautiful hair or something.

Human, All Too Human.

So this it seems shall be the fate of all my Wednesdays until May 14th, 2009. Cooped up in the library here on campus until my class starts at 7 in the evening, and not getting out of class until a solid 10 PM. It seems between the 8 hour break between classes that I have that I can do a great plethora of things, but that I fear is where the boredom will gradually sink in. I also noticed today that there are way too many people here who know my face, and I'm afraid the perks of being somewhat popular are not all I thought I was missing out on in my younger years. Yes, the library is a good place to get away from everybody.

I went to the gym for the first time in over a month and worked out today for a solid hour. I guess that's something to count for. Other activities included surfing the Internet (again - there is no escape, I'm afraid.), thinking way too much about things I shouldn't be thinking about, and reading Nietzsche. Yes. I might be depressed. I should kill myself - or at least kill something.

Now playing; Down - Stone the Crow

PS: What the fuck was I thinking?

Super Bowl?

Yes. Tonight marks the evening where men and women from sea to shining sea gather before their television sets in the great American past time that is the Super Bowl. Of course, one Gary Gare Bear and myself do not intend to delude our minds with the nonsensical commercial extravaganza that is American Football's crowning moment. Instead, we will be venturing forth into the ice cold lair of Club Hell for Sasquatch and the Sicko Billies, and other rock and roll supporting acts.

Truly, this will be the first time in four years I have not watched 'the game', but I musn't be too burdened by this fact, because up until this morning I didn't even know that it was tonight. With the advent of YouTube and Internet streaming though, do I really need to watch the Superbowl? Certainly not. Entertaining commercials aside, it will be a four hour bore fest to be certain, and again - there's no such thing as missing commercials with the advent of video streaming.

It might be worth mentioning I've been awake for thirty eight hours straight.