I've been thinking a lot about Anke, and the things I did and shared with her. I dated her for almost a year, but if someone were to ask me what it was like I wouldn't know what to say. I could convince myself that nothing ever really happened, that I didn't feel anything, and it's so hard to believe we broke up only two months ago. I feel so fucking disconnected from everything, from everyone, like I'm just some ghost temporarilly clinging to flesh.
I'm growing older, closer to dying, and wonder what I did with my time. I've become my own greatest critic and the judge of my own experiences. I had hoped that the "fuck the system, fuck the world" attitude I had carried with me into my early twenties would have aged at least well into my thirties, but as I'm growing and learning rapidly - struggling to catch up with the years I've lost, I'm learning just how much I wasted. I could've done more, and reached for bigger and better dreams, but I chose roads for fuck all reasons that I can't even comprehend anymore.
Who am I? Are my stories valid? Have I lived an exciting youth? Will I ever accept that I am going to be 23 and a half next month, yet living the life of a 19 or 20 year old? I don't know. I'm trying, but I need to try harder. I need to turn this train around quickly. I need to become the young man that I saw in my dreams five years ago. I'm a good student, but I need to be better. I'm a good person, but I need to accomplish more. There's an entire fucking world out there - I'll be damned if I don't spend my youth seeing and doing all of it.
/Nicholas
Now playing: Pentagram - Be Forewarned
God damn... This picture is so old. What happened to me?
No comments:
Post a Comment