In The Sign of Dumb.

Did a girl seriously call me distraught and in tears at five in the morning to ask me if I was in love with her, and then cut me off from any way of contacting her after I told her that I wasn't interested? Holy shit this is the funniest thing to happen to me all year.

What makes this so amusing is that years ago this girl snubbed me for feeling the same way and told me that I'm incapable of moving on and letting go. Well, now that I've moved on and let her go... she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Then she has the nerve to tell me not to take it personal. I don't. I find it pretty ironic, actually.

Well. You never really went out of your way to talk to me anyway, so total fucking lolacopter there. Weren't you the one who snubbed me at 3 Inches of Blood & Toxic Holocaust, because you didn't want your friends to get mad at you? OH. LAWL. YES YOU SRSLY EARNED POINTS W/ MEH THERE! It might have occurred to you that if you have feelings for someone, expressing them is probably a step in the right direction.

There's no point wasting your time and girls like this will always come back to haunt you. How fucking dumb can we get? How far are we willing to reduce ourselves here? If there's an asteroid the size of Texas floating around out there, and if it's interested - please, sucker punch my planet in the fucking throat. No. I really mean it. If I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed.

Lifer.

In the end my success is not weighed solely on a piece of paper or a slew of commendations from college professors. I do not have to think, act in accordance with, or pretend to agree with some intellectual from the old world in order to feel proud of myself. I used to know that. I used to live for the sake of living. I used to feel like it was my rebellion and resistance from norms and expectations that helped define me. I was smart on my own terms. I taught myself how to think and believe in the causes of my choosing. I didn't need credentials.

I digressed somewhere along the way and became caught up with my grades and who or what I'd become after school. I strayed from the path for the safe route that would lead me to a prestigious career path. I fell into the trap that was society's rules and standards. Apparently this is called maturity, but I'm beginning to refer to it plainly as a tragedy.

What matters is how I separate myself from the cattle. Because we are all irrelevant. None of us are born special. Our money and rank-in-file does not define the quality of our character or the merit of our purpose. There needs to be more behind the name and title that we spend so many years of our life working for. Whether or not I please my teachers or graduate from school at twenty five or had done it at twenty two just like everyone else doesn't matter anymore. I don't have any regrets. I became who I am today because of the choices I made.

I've lived a great life. I am a real person. I can see clearly. You can't achieve that in a class room.

//Nic

Now playing:

Holy shit dude!

I should have kept dating that exchange broad from Berlin. Fucking seriously. This is the most solid thrash line up I've ever seen. What was I thinking?

//Nicholas

Now playing: Destruction - Confused Mind

My car broke down again.

But I have a Drudkh shirt and the KREATOR Flag of Hate EP now, so it's okay.

/Nic

Now playing: Drudkh - Ukrainian Insurgent Army

PS: Womensex, I'm not impressed that you like Municipal Waste and Slayer. I don't care. That doesn't make you cool to me. You're fat, annoying, and I hope I never see you again.

PPS: I want a Pepsi. Just a Pepsi. My mom is going to give one to me.

LET'S DO EIGHTIES!!

I came to the conclusion that this entire decade's sole existence was to push cocaine sales through the roof and deliver every generation thereafter a step-by-step guide on how to party to death (literally.) God dammit mother. I should've been born fifteen years earlier.

These musical masterpieces are only a limited example to support my thesis. Seriously, you can not tell me that Huey Lewis did not live off of that White China. What else do you think made him so radd?







//Nic

PS: I don't know what the fuck I am thinking driving into Providence with a car that is barely holding itself together. I hope I pay for this stupidity.

PPS:

HA!! I KNEW IT!!

Out of my fucking mind.

I can't remember when I made this two part video sequence, but it must be an '07 masterpiece, because I clearly state that I had just bought my car and I can tell that this was taken in the house I lived in shortly after my parents moved out, which of course I moved out of in '08. Considering the year and my lifestyle at the time - I sincerely doubt I didn't have some extreme amount of VAULT in my system. Regardless, it's downright fucking hilarious and I hope you enjoy it at the expense of my reputation as a sane human being...

HA!

/Nic

Now playing - Dazed & Confused (Yes. Again.)

PS: Why the fuck am I awake at 5 in the morning?
PPS: I think running around like a nine year old in snow and frozen rain for two hours has raped my health.

Wisdom.

"The older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N."

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

"George Washington was in a cult, and the cult was into aliens, man."

"Hey this summer when you're being indoctrinated with all this American bi-centinial bruhaha, don't forget what your celebrating. The fact that a bunch of slave owning aristocratic white males didn't want to pay their taxes."

I don't believe that there's anything else I can contribute to this entry through my own accord, except to mention that it is 4:30 in the morning, I have yet to sleep, and I have to leave to class in four and a half hours.

/Nic
Now playing: Dazed & Confused

PS: Jazmin. I will hang out with you if we sleep together, but only if we sleep together in a dumpster filled with toxic goo that will mutate our naked forms into space gorillas. Considering your home location; I'm certain you can work something out.

PPS: I am on so much fucking Vicodin right now.

---

There's a dinosaur in our backyard.

It suddenly dawned on me after seeing this photo that I missed my calling in life when I refused to join a retro-grunge rock band. Fortunately, I have fallen under just about every other grunge rocker stereotype at one point in my life, and I might actually be considered passable if I would wish to genuinely pursue a solo career in the vein of Bathory.

Alas we know the truth of it. My calling is as a writer. Just the other day I had been summoned to join a Marvel comics based writing community. Though I am not too keen on fan-fiction, it's been a long time since I've teamed with group I will be writing for, so I'm looking forward to it.

She had been watching a weekend marathon of one of her favorite programs, House M.D., which was broadcasted to her from Earth 2142. This particular continuity’s version of House had appealed to her better than the conventional continuity due to Dolph Lundgren’s starring role as a homicidal sociopath who flung his patients through walls whenever their ailments were too severe to meet his sub-standard doctorate skills. It often drew to question how Dolph Lundgren’s character achieved the level of doctorate, though Anna was pretty sure that coercion had come into play. Out of two hundred and seventy two episodes, she had made it to episode two hundred and forty five, an episode revolving around a sickly elderly man who had been caught under the weather during a recent snow storm.

<“He has a cold!”> She shouted at the television in her native Russian tongue. <“Kill him!”>

Yes, I think it is essential to mix my fiction with a touch of comedy. I write for even the dullest imagination.

- Nic

Now watching - Jurassic Park II: Lost World (Such an awesome movie!)

PS: My communications class was canceled this morning. This is becoming ridiculous. I already missed an entire week's worth of English Literature, because my instructor came down with the flu. At least I get to sleep in an extra two hours. I shouldn't be complaining, especially since it's almost four thirty in the morning and I haven't even tried to sleep yet.

PPS: God damn I could go for a coffee right now.

Dicks.

Hi,

My name is unimportant, though to those who search for the trivial, I am Trevor Blackross, child of the dark. I would just like to point out right now that I DO NOT WASTE MY TIME ON POSERS OR POP METAL BULLSHIT!!!! IF YOU LIKE FALSE METAL ROCK CHRISTIAN CRAP LIKE FLEETWOOD MAC OR BLACK SABBATH THEN YOU ARE A SHEEP AND I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR FEEBLE MINDED CRAP!!!!!! Some of the bands I enjoy include The Darkness Burning In My Infinite Rectum, Total Complete Annihilation of My Anus, Ethernal Mortalis Defias Latinus Grammaticus, and other bands with deep-dark-meaningful titles.


My favourite thing to do of course is listen to the true music of Satan, black metal, and NOTHING ELSE! ALL OTHER MUSIC IS FOR POSERS! I like to shroud myself in solitude, and advance my mind to heights that only the Dark Lords can reach. I do NOT HAVE HEROES BECAUSE I AM NOT A SHEEP!!!!! But my influences are Anton LeVay, Allistor Crowley, Euronymus (HE'S FROM MAYHEM FOR ALL YOU POSERS!), and Ishan.

Swear to the eternal darkness kill all Christians and posers!! STAY DARK STAY TRUE!

PS: My mother is calling me now. She has cooked me a fresh batch of cookies served with milk. I shall return. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA.

- Trevor Blackcross

Now playing: Generica Infinitus Darknessuss by The Burning Fires of Unholy Flatulence

PS: I should write a diary and fill it daily with lolz. OH NO WAIT THIS IS IT!

MY CAR IS FIXED!!

:

Red V has recovered from the battle it received in the Battle of Hoth. I will be making preparations over the next few weeks to insure that it survives the most dreadful battle ever witnessed by the stars - The Battle of Endor, this coming Summer. Over the next few weeks I will be making preliminary runs to neighboring star systems to transport fellow smugglers and fighter pilots who have aided me over the last few parsecs. If you have my transceiver number, don't be afraid to punch a message into my communicator. - Ensign N.C. Pendergast of Ghost Squadron Now playing: Planet's Collide by Crowbar PS: Found Get Off My Elevator, and now I have both 70s recorded live albums of Robin Trower 76' and Bob Segar. Good sign? Yes.

Have it so good!

Yes, today is the day that we all gather together and weep because we are so lonely and have no one to hold onto. Fags. It feels like now more than ever I have celebrated Valentines Day by appreciating the things in life that I cherish most dear to me.

1) Thrash metal. Yes, this haul is undisputed as my grandest achievement in the realm of record collection. And for a total of 40 bucks all together?! How could I go wrong!?



2) My hair. Allow me some time to gather some self-serving hubris. Although I might look like a 17 year old serial killer, it has done wonders for me in my attempts to woe the woman sex. Too bad I spend my life playing guitar and video games, otherwise I would surely be having sex right now and not writing a blog!

3. MOSHING! Yes, the 90s thrash/hardcore anthem by Crucial Unit, "Baby I Don't Want to Make Out I Just Want to Circle Pit!" has become the anthem of my entire life. And just this past Thursday, for a pre-Valentine celebration, I did MOSH! Look! That guy is running away from me. He probably cried today when he woke up to find he had no one to suck his dick.

I think someone wrote me a Valentines Day card. I'm not sure. I haven't opened it yet, but I wish they would've sent me something practical like socks instead. Wasn't I supposed to go to New York today? Yes. Perhaps my quest to find the Ninja Turtles will be resolved another time. Until then - David grows anxious, and I need to eat some raw fish. I'm pretty sure that the picture layout in the composition preview looks 10x better than it will on my actual blog. Too tired to care. Haven't showered or slept in a day. Gross.

/Nic
Now playing: EYEHATEGOD - Hit a Girl

(Post edit)

PS: It appears Valentines Day went off spectacularly. Somehow, despite a liter of Vodka, (and standing up my date to get sushi.) I am still alive and well. I just ran over some hooker in Grand Theft Auto. I tried to shoot her in the face afterward but a cop snuck up on me. I have eight pills of vicodin left - and I have not listened to this TOOL album since I was fourteen. What the fuck?

PPS: The dishes still aren't done. Noted.

"Want to do some coke and listen to Ratt?"

Apparently my mother has made the decision to move to Florida, leaving me stranded in the apocalyptic landscape of loneliness and suck that is my shitty hometown. It is a further motivation to get the fuck out of my hellhole as soon as humanly possible. I don't think I've ever swore in Napalm Waltz before, and this paragraph was specifically made to compensate for that.

The first step to accomplishing this is getting back to work on top of going to school. I have no idea how I am going to do that since my car still requires maintenance, and it seems every window of opportunity I have to fix it is shafted by a re-occurring instance of stupid. I was making easily 2000 dollars a month little more than five weeks ago. Now I am poor, and I can't buy CDs records.

Speaking of which; I have decided what I want to have painted on the back of my leather.

Yes, though I infinitely prefer Dark Angel's "Time Does Not Heal" over any thrash album ever produced, the artwork on "Leave Scars" is too wonderful to pass up. The colouring is incredibly exceptional, and the symbolism is excellent as well. Of course, as already mentioned, financing will be a problem. I believe Halseycaust charges hundreds for this kind of stuff... not that it matters, since I'm pretty sure she moved to Oregon with Joel anyway. Fuck.

/ Nic

Now playing: Dark Angel - Burning of Sodom

PS: Soilwork was okay. Warbringer finished their set wickedly gay. Darkane was great.

PPS: I don't think I've ever had a girlfriend on Valentines Day. This is fucking legendary.

Break the oath.

I present to you photographic evidence from yesterday afternoon, between 2:30 PM and 3:00 PM, that I Nicholas C. Pendergast broke my solemn oath to refrain from eating meat products. My absence from livestock animals and journey into the purified realm of plants was excellently lived - but alas the promise of fried chicken was absolute in its temptation.

May this never happen again.

- Nicholas

PS: God damn I want sushi.

Deep.

I'm not a titan, a brick wall, an empty shell iron clad and hollowed by the cold suffocating dark that is the real world. That is how I present myself. That is how I exist within my poetry, and through my interactions with other people, but alone in my room - the constant drudgery of Black Sabbath inspired doom and the false sense of euphoria dissolving in my cup - the reality hits me hard. I am a human being.

I've been thinking a lot about Anke, and the things I did and shared with her. I dated her for almost a year, but if someone were to ask me what it was like I wouldn't know what to say. I could convince myself that nothing ever really happened, that I didn't feel anything, and it's so hard to believe we broke up only two months ago. I feel so fucking disconnected from everything, from everyone, like I'm just some ghost temporarilly clinging to flesh.

I'm growing older, closer to dying, and wonder what I did with my time. I've become my own greatest critic and the judge of my own experiences. I had hoped that the "fuck the system, fuck the world" attitude I had carried with me into my early twenties would have aged at least well into my thirties, but as I'm growing and learning rapidly - struggling to catch up with the years I've lost, I'm learning just how much I wasted. I could've done more, and reached for bigger and better dreams, but I chose roads for fuck all reasons that I can't even comprehend anymore.

Who am I? Are my stories valid? Have I lived an exciting youth? Will I ever accept that I am going to be 23 and a half next month, yet living the life of a 19 or 20 year old? I don't know. I'm trying, but I need to try harder. I need to turn this train around quickly. I need to become the young man that I saw in my dreams five years ago. I'm a good student, but I need to be better. I'm a good person, but I need to accomplish more. There's an entire fucking world out there - I'll be damned if I don't spend my youth seeing and doing all of it.

/Nicholas

Now playing: Pentagram - Be Forewarned



God damn... This picture is so old. What happened to me?

Deicide/Vital Remains tonight... Why?

Yes, it appears as though I have more money than is acceptable for my own good. Some people would call this 'spending' money, and they would give away their most valued possessions so that they might have it. Yet here I am - perhaps making a ridiculous choice so of attending a metal show in Providence tonight for no other reason than because I can.

It isn't that I dislike Vital Remains or Deicide. On the contrary, I am perhaps a bit indifferent to both bands, but at least the activity of being out and amongst friends for something other than drunken wankery is presenting itself. I'd also like to pride myself on maintaining this illusionary image that I support my local "scene", and yes even to one such as myself those "scene" points go quite a long way...

- Nicholas

Now playing: FEAR - "I Love Living In The City"

PS: Mark did want to go to the movies with me tonight. Oh well. Death metal beats Underworld: Rise of the Lycans by 7 pts. In overtime. Tomorrow? Not certain. /sigh

"What a fucking whore. Leave me alone."

Indeed I did end up going to the city last night, and my do I have a story to tell you. It just so happens that some asshole tried to steal my Municipal Waste t-shirt. Who is this fucking guy? A communist, terrorist, villain! Well, I'll tell you that I did get my Municipal Waste t-shirt back, and that guy is an asshole. Who takes a t-shirt? Seriously.

Yes, my bitterness is unconquerable. Why do women hit on me despite the fact that I take great lengths to appear unattractive? That same girl who is obsessed with me tried to catch me again; this time she sent her male friend after me, and tugged twice on my belt to catch my attention. She even waved at me. Well, I'll tell you that I don't fucking care if you dig me or think I am sexy. I clearly am not interested in some short chub. When will they learn this? I hate you. You look stupid, fat, and you're probably like eighteen or something. Stop listening to shitty music and go find some soul. Fuck you.

New list:

- If you don't read, I don't like you.
- If you don't like Bathory, I don't like you.
- If you're fat, I don't like you.
- If you don't have stellar shades, I don't like you.

More to come in my next entry. Now I must go write a thesis paper.

//Nicholas

Now playing: Eddie Money - Take Me Home Tonight

Yes, that's a good slave.

It's true. Having accomplished myself as a stalker and now developing a legitimate rapport, I have crossed over and decided to make one of these too in order to establish communication with more like minded individuals (yeah right.): http://myanimelist.net/profile/nukethecross

It's a possibility that I might actually stumble upon some unheard of cyberpunk, but my fingers are not crossed in this instance.

Tonight is Friday and I have not done anything today but clean. I even managed somehow to miss my dentist appointment, which I went out of my way to remind myself of with a mark on the calender. This is pathetic. I have been invited to join some friends for a party in the city, but I'm still unsure about my feelings on this since I am kind of getting bored of the same ugly faces and people who simply do not interest me at all. The last time I went out, some girl kept looking at me as if I were her saving grace for the evening, like I was the one to remedy whatever it was she went there for. What a fucking whore. Leave me alone.

Today's anthem (Yes, my creativity is dimming.): The Haunted - Soul Fracture

//Ridiculous Nicholas

PS: I want to eat chocolate chip cookies so bad right now.
PSS: Does the room need more posters?

I'm too healthy; apparently.

Having signed up to give blood Tuesday for two-o-clock after my English class (which lets out at around 1:50), I hurried quickly over to the blood van to donate a pint of my most vital fluids. When I sat down, I was immediately asked if I had eaten anything prior to my arrival. I explained to the doctor that I was in class, and hadn't had the opportunity to eat since nine-o-clock in the morning shortly before school. He grimaced and took my blood pressure and my heart rate. Apparently my heart rate was below the recommended bpm of 50. When I asked if I had anything to worry about, he asked me if I was athletic, and following the question I explained that I walk almost everywhere I need to go and I have been hitting the gym lately.

"That'll do it," he said.

Rent is due today. I'm not sure how I am going to manage the next few months with hardly any income, but of course I have always been one to find a way, and I have quite a savings. I'm sure after this month if I still have over 900 bucks saved up, I'll feel comfortable.

Now playing: Nothing. Stuck in the library. :(

- Nihilist

PS 1: Three day weekend coming up. Probably going to play Lazertag with James, and hopefully hang out with him and/or Connor during the weekend. It's been a while since my last visit to the woods.

PS 2: I need to hit up the comic shop. I am so far behind right now.

PS 3: Some strange woman pet my head for fifteen minutes today. I must have beautiful hair or something.

Human, All Too Human.

So this it seems shall be the fate of all my Wednesdays until May 14th, 2009. Cooped up in the library here on campus until my class starts at 7 in the evening, and not getting out of class until a solid 10 PM. It seems between the 8 hour break between classes that I have that I can do a great plethora of things, but that I fear is where the boredom will gradually sink in. I also noticed today that there are way too many people here who know my face, and I'm afraid the perks of being somewhat popular are not all I thought I was missing out on in my younger years. Yes, the library is a good place to get away from everybody.

I went to the gym for the first time in over a month and worked out today for a solid hour. I guess that's something to count for. Other activities included surfing the Internet (again - there is no escape, I'm afraid.), thinking way too much about things I shouldn't be thinking about, and reading Nietzsche. Yes. I might be depressed. I should kill myself - or at least kill something.

Now playing; Down - Stone the Crow

PS: What the fuck was I thinking?

Super Bowl?

Yes. Tonight marks the evening where men and women from sea to shining sea gather before their television sets in the great American past time that is the Super Bowl. Of course, one Gary Gare Bear and myself do not intend to delude our minds with the nonsensical commercial extravaganza that is American Football's crowning moment. Instead, we will be venturing forth into the ice cold lair of Club Hell for Sasquatch and the Sicko Billies, and other rock and roll supporting acts.

Truly, this will be the first time in four years I have not watched 'the game', but I musn't be too burdened by this fact, because up until this morning I didn't even know that it was tonight. With the advent of YouTube and Internet streaming though, do I really need to watch the Superbowl? Certainly not. Entertaining commercials aside, it will be a four hour bore fest to be certain, and again - there's no such thing as missing commercials with the advent of video streaming.

It might be worth mentioning I've been awake for thirty eight hours straight.